Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
