a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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