i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize