Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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