TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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