I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
