If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
