the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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