I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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