apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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