I think my fart just growled at me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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