Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
