Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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