I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
