please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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