Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There r osticjed everywhere
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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