seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
