Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
well you can't waste a boner
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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