dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
