My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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