you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
