I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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