i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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