you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
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