she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
