you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
