That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
