Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If you need anything just hit me up
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.