I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.