everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
