I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear