My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.