This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.