so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
