I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
