Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
