at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
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Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I touched a dick in church today
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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