i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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