I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
