Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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