Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
