we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i drank out of a bidet.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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