you turned your livingroom into a bong?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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