I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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