Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
