We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
