Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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