when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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