I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
