I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
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The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
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Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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