I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
