You just made me feel so damn special
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
