so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
