So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
