I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
