Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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