Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
