So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
