I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
