one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
