remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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