I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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